This year marks my 21st anniversary between me and cigarettes. I started smoking when i 10 and haven’t stopped ever since. At one point i used to smoke about 80 cigarettes a day but nowadays the number is way lower. 

Some of my relationships are great like the one between me and the wife, the kids and I etc, and some are not so great: like me and the motorcycle on a rainy day. This relationship i have with cigarettes is one which i keep trying to break off but it find me again and woo’s me in. Over the last 15 year i haven’t really wanted to give up. Every once a year/two i would decided i had enough and not smoke for about an hour. Thats how it has gotten.

Towards the middle of last year i had decided i had enough and promised myself that i would quit smoking as soon as possible. I had even told the wife (who was then my girlfriend) that i intended to quit before the wedding. Come December and i was trying to quit and it has hard. Everyday I would think about quitting but would put it off till Monday. Towards the beginning of the year i had fallen sick and wasn’t able to smoke a few hours.

This seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to quit. I quickly went to the medical store and bought some nicotine patches. I used one of them and dint smoke for over 18 hours. The next morning as i took the kids for a walk i kept thinking  about why cant i just take a couple of drags. Since i had the patch i thought i could do that. A couple of drags on day 1 of quitting with coffee was great. Stayed at home and dint go out till the evening so that i could not smoke. Earlier that day i had thrown out the beedies and ensured that nothing was at home. Went to meet a  friend next door and light up a cigarette, this was in spite of him trying to tell me not to do that.

Since i was sick i stayed at home on Monday while the wife went to work. I did take a couple of drags of a cigarette that i went out to the store to buy. I had progressed from couple of drags in the morning to a couple drag after each meal. The wife was nice enough to call on the way back form work asking me if i wanted anything. I have heard that if i eat some sweets the craving goes away, she did buy a bunch of chocolates for me.

A couple of days later i was eating a bunch of junk food, lots of chocolates and smoking while wearing the patch. I would wait for a fight to happen at home, or my wife to say something i dint like so that i could walk out to the balcony pretending to be angry and grab a smoke.

The wedding day was coming closer and i threw out the patch so that i could be normal till the wedding. Not smoking was causing me to be irritable. My rationale was that i could always stop after the wedding like how i did a few days ago. Back form the wedding and in town, the smoking only got worse. About a month later my wife was going to go on vacation to Cambodia for a bit and i promised that i would stop by the time she came back. Each day i would think that “i would stop the next day” or “i have time, she back only after a month” etc. This continued and when she came back i was still smoking. She was visibly pissed, i think its not because i promised her that i would quit but more so because i dint put in the effort.

Now rules of the house has gotten stricter: no smoking in the bathroom, no smoking inside the house. A couple of days i have gotten away by smoking in the loo and pretending as if nothing has happened. As i write this i just finished a smoke on the balcony. What i want is to stop, nothing more or nothing less. I had enough. I hope this is rock bottom.

If i could go back in time to the 10 year old me i would slap myself silly for even picking up the smoke. This is one of the stupidest things i have done bar none. Hopefully after i write this i would quit. Faith without works is dead . Time to put in the work and lets see what comes out of it.