The last few months have been a little different. Each day before i go to work and when I come back I start to think if I am truly meant to do this. There seems to be something missing. Something of actual significance, something that will cause impact. This isn’t the first time this has happened though.
Lets start at the beginning. My first full time role was at this BPO. The shifts were late night and was a sales role. It was great for a while after which waking up at 12 in the night and going to bed at 3 in the afternoon was hard. In about a year’s time I was starting to get bored and even before I could think about my next step I had to quit my job to go back to school. A year in school and an itch started. This time i wanted to study and work. Started working for this really large firm. This time around rather than a sales role, this was a tech support one. This was interesting and kept me motivated for about a year. The day the one year mark hit the itch was back. I figured that maybe that job wasn’t for me and its time to find something else. The same thing happened in the next place where i lasted for about 18 months. This is when I decided maybe I just needed to start a business and that would remove the itch.
Ran a company part-time and full time for 4 years and in the meantime managed to go to B-school. This time around I did a bunch of extremely different tasks which involved a motorcycle ride to Leh, a bicycle ride to Nepal, an Internship at the Circus, a few events, lots of photography and tons of branding. At the end of 4 years this time i wanted more. I decided maybe i needed structure and that’s why i feel a little disappointed with the new projects that I was getting. Soon after a bicycle ride to Leh and after spending about 5 months on the road I came back and found a new job. The place that I started to work at was brilliant. The people there were lovely and it was an industry that I loved. Worked with some really amazing brands, helped close deals with large corporates. Rode that wave for a while. Again a year the feeling of wanting to do more, the familiar feeling of dissatisfaction came rushing back. Nothing had changed. Seemed like a pattern that I had to break out off. Found another place to work and found a role that was a little better. This place helped me grow, learnt a lot of stuff. There were days that reminded me of my time being an entrepreneur, 90 hour weeks, lots of travel were the norm. Did a bunch of kickass stuff, made tons of mistakes and learnt lots along the way. Here is where i managed multiple vendors and teams, I had to be on the ball at all times, the phone would ring at all odd hours and I loved every moment of it. The day work slowed down was when i started to notice that the feeling of dissatisfaction which was hiding for the last couple of years slowly coming up again. The monkey was always on my back. I just had to make sure the whole circus didn’t come to town. This time around I discovered that this was my pattern. I would do well for a period of time and then when i felt like nothing was happening I would leave.
The difference between the last few years and today is awareness. Its been an interesting journey to get to this discovery. Apparently it happens at different times to people. For some reason i was trying to find happiness outside rather than inside. Here are the steps I am taking to hopefully get out of the hole. I have tried to meditate, swim and run. Some days this works and on some days it does not. I don’t know if this will break the pattern but that’s the hope. I realize that normally I would take any job that comes my way, do anything that felt new for the moment but this time around I seem to be a little level headed. I think its time to break the pattern. Someone once told me “don’t quit 5 mins before the miracle happens”. This time I have decided to stay with the feeling and hopefully the pattern will break.